the red and blue of me

Disaronno! My current favorite drink! It has all the flavors that I love - coffee and chocolate! Thanks to a good friend for getting me a whole bottle..Its on top of the fridge right now begging for some attention.  

More pictures to come...

My future house... The current house of a local architect in Nyack 

This picture was taken seven years ago in Westchester Community College.
L-R: Me, Michelle (the first to get married), Laarnie and Sweet.
Ahhh.. The good old days.

I wanted to post something, but I am really really tired.
I just have to say that I had a good time with old and new friends tonight at the rehearsal dinner. :) I know tomorrow will be just as great maybe even better.. :p

i don’t know if it was real or in a dream
lately waking up i’m not sure where i’ve been
there was a table set for six and five were there
i stood outside and kept my eyes upon that empty chair
and there was steam on the windows from the kitchen
laughter like a language i once spoke with ease
but i’m made mute by the virtue of decision
i choose most of your life goes on without me

oh the fear i’ve known that i might reap the praise
of strangers and end up on my own
all i’ve sown was a song but maybe i was wrong

i said to you the one gift which i’d adore
unwrap a package of the next 10 years unfolding
but you told me if i had my way i’d be bored
right then i knew i loved you best born of your scolding

when we last talked we were lying on our backs
looking up at the sky through the ceiling
i used to lie like that alone out on the driveway
trying to read the greek upon the stars
the alphabet of feeling

oh i knew back then
it was a calling that said if joy then pain
the sound of the voice these years later
is still the same

i am alone in a hotel room tonight
i squeeze the sky out but there’s not a star appears
begin my studies with this paper and this pencil
and i’m working through the grammar of my fears

mercy what i won’t give to have the things that mean the most
not to mean the things i miss
unforgiving the choice still is the language or the kiss
by Indigo Girls

I like working when there are no distractions. I put my headphones on, listen to Beth Hart and work on my databases. It's sad, but I can do this for hours. If I am into something, I try not to stop until I am done.

For some reason I think I am able to know myself more when I limit my interaction with people. I can think more clearly without bias or influence from other people's opinions. Of course, if I do need questions answered, I do seek advise and ask for information.

Ok, I better go have dinner, work out then do some school work. :)

Whew! I was so stressed out at work today that my left eyelid started to twitch! Seriously, its like everybody decided to send in reporting requests and wanted them all done yesterday. On top of all that, one of the webforms started generating errors! I first thought that problem was not going to be something that I had to fix since it looked like an issue with user permissions. I was even relieved since I anticipated that all I had to do was open a ticket and let the server guy handle the rest. But, nope nope nope. After having the server guy troubleshoot for more than an hour with no luck, I started to look through lines and lines of codes, which somebody else wrote, find the cause of the error and fix the friggin problem. Troubleshooting with him was not a big deal (we even laughed and made jokes in Tagalog being that he's also Filipino), but I was kinda hoping that he was going to fix at least one problem for me. Today I wished I had a partner, like before, that can actually help me and knows more than I do.

I had somewhat of a serious conversation with a co-worker today. This rarely happens since I try to maintain a safe distance between people I work with. But this afternoon was different.

He ended a 9-year relationship with his ex-gf mainly because he doesn’t see himself marrying her anytime in the future. He does however see himself getting married, but not to her. Not to the woman that he loved for nine years. Isn’t life just great??!!

I feel his pain simply because I have been there and until now I am confused as to why things are never simple.

The man I had a relationship with for almost four years loved me (probably still does) with all his heart and was probably willing to do everything for me and yet I couldn’t love him back. He would probably be a great dad, provider and husband but there was nothing for me to give to him in return. And the most f&cked up part is I do find myself getting married and having kids in the future. I can see myself being totally committed to someone and trying to make it last, but not to him.

If I can’t love a person who loves me, who the heck can I love???????
I need some sleep!

Before I head back home...

You've Got To Show by IG

Yes it’s true I’ve gotten very moody over you
Don’t think I don’t sense your caution way across the room
Or across the phone lines, big black ocean, or conversation brief
We can’t find a clear connection, and I can’t get relief

Why don’t we both agree we’re both afraid and too afraid to say
If I say count to three and move toward me, would you meet me half the way
There are a thousand things about me I want only you to know
But I can’t do it alone, you’ve got to show

While you occupy me I command my dreams each day
To bring you in me even thinly as the morning chases you away
I half believe if I just picture us we will come true
Wishful thinking or my dreams sinking half depends on you

Show me you are fully alive
If you want to fly you take this dive
If you want to kiss, kiss for real
I’ll give you back everything you feel

Drive in space that peaceful place
You’d be my secret sharer
Front and back and all around the thin margin of error
Move too fast or move too or somewhere in between
Navigate the perfect distance so your getaway is clean
Why don’t we both agree we’re both afraid and too afraid to say
If I say count to three and move toward me would you meet me half way
There are a thousand things about me I want only you to know
But I can’t go there alone, you’ve got to show

SLOW.....................................
I figured I would work on some of my reports today so that my macros would run faster (since I'll be the only user hitting on the database server), but I was wrong. It might be my PC and not the network or database server that is functioning at a snail-like speed after afterall. I think its time for a late Spring PC cleaning.

Currently listening to: MAMA by Beth Hart

I believe that things happen for a reason. People act and react a certain way to cause an effect that is meant to happen. This way of thinking keeps me together and helps me keep the strength to face anything that comes my way and faith that eventually all things will be ok. This also enables me to not worry or complain too much and enjoy life as much as I can. Worrying really does nothing but waste your precious energy and time. Complaining is another good way to waste energy and time, but can also be a healthy way to express emotions as long as actions are taken as a result to eliminate its root cause.

I also believe that as long as you accept people for who they are and don’t expect them to do things that they normally wouldn’t do (or try to change them), you will lessen the chances of getting disappointed, upset or hurt (by them). This is easier said than done since I still get frustrated with my mother once in a while.

Life is too short. We really should try to enjoy it often.

"We are here for such a short time so it is imperative to make that time count. No one wants a life filled with regrets. Love like there is no tomorrow, because in the end, love is the only thing that counts. "
-Dr. Ellen Kreidman
(this is also easier said than done.)

I don't have a lot of updates to share. I have been pretty much an active observer these past few days. I observe how people act and react and learn more about them and about life in general in the process. I am quite pleased to say that I am lucky to have surrounded myself with great influences and quite a positive atmosphere. I also am lucky to have a job that I enjoy and have co-workers that are fun to work with. I have in some way figured out how to make my work likeable again. I think of the things that I do as a means to help others instead of just creating crapolla. Lastly, I have found out that most of the people I know believe in love and have great trust in it. (That’s kind of refreshing to know.)

Aside from being a good observer, I have also been enjoying the great music of Beth Hart. She has such an amazing and powerful voice! I cannot stop listening to
http://www.bethhart.com/leavethelighton.ram

I ain't that bad I'm just messed up
I ain't that sad but I'm sad enough

Cause I wanna love
I wanna live
I don't know much about it
I never did,
I don't know what to do, can the damage be undone
I swore to God that I'd never be what I've become
Lucky stars and fairy tales
I'm gonna bathe myself in a wishin' well
Pretty scars from cigarettes
I never will forget, I never will forget
I'm still afraid to be alone
wish that moon would follow me home
I leave the light on
I ain't that bad I'm just messed up
I ain't that sad but I'm sad enough
God bless the child with the dirty face who cuts her luck with a dirty ace
She leaves the light on, I leave that light on

-Beth Hart

I just thought of a great reason to travel across the USA [or some parts of it]... to dine at all Chinatowns in USA! So far, I've gone to NYC (of course), SF, LA, DC & Boston. I still have to go to: Chicago, Portland, Houston, Sacramento and Seattle. Not a bad idea, huh? This is exciting!!!! I might have to go to Boston and LA again to take some pictures.... hehehe.. :)

I am soooo tired!! The drive back from DC took a lot out of me... It felt like it took forever! I'd do it over again though. Rob Thomas was awesome and I was able to hang out downtown DC, their small Chinatown and have bubble tea.

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