the red and blue of me

Happy Halloween!!!!!!!
Its Halloween and I am not in the city gawking at people in crazy costumes!! What's up with that?? Instead, I'm here at work eating a banana for dinner, waiting for a report to run. What is wrong with me? I have been working after hours for the past month or so. The funny part is I actually don't mind doing lots of work.

I saw a co-worker/friend this Saturday. I deal with him a lot at work and have lots of fun working with him (we talk about theories on life/relationships -mostly my theories on his life- while we troubleshoot on my server - I sometimes wonder how we get things done!). Anyway, I used to have this theory that the only way one can maintain any kind of friendship with the opposite sex is that at least one has to be attracted to the other. No attraction = no friendship. After seeing him last weekend I realized that I'm not attracted to him. He is attractive, but I personally don't find him attractive. This realization kind of disprove my theory on girl/boy friendship since I don't see myself changing the way we interact with each other. Unless, of course, he is attracted to me which I highly doubt.

It was David's birthday last Oct 29th. I just sent him an e-card.
I might meet a couple of old co-workers sometime this weekend. I want to take them to the city, but I know they would rather prefer CT.

I took my bf to my place of work this Sat to check on a process running on my pc. I showed him around the complex and some of the stuff that I do. He was impressed. I should have felt good that he was impressed, but I didn't. Instead I thought to myself that while I am good, I know I could do better.

I sometimes think of my life in pinas as a very, very long dream. Most of the emotions that accompany the memories of the past are gone that I feel like I skipped childhood and started life here in the US when I was 17. But when I get email messages from my relatives and old school mates like the one below, I am reminded of the life I used to have and people I used to know. Its too bad that I haven't been with them for the past 9 years and will continue to miss most of the most important parts of their lives.

My sister is having her first baby this December and an old friend Alex Patacsil (Par) is very ill...

While I cannot be physically with you, my prayers are with you, Ate and Par.
-----------------------------------------
Email from Dennis
we went to see alex last wednesday, jade, mayflor, marian, alex r., duane, info officer astrid, and me. i didn't recognize him when i saw him. except for the fiery eyes that's oh-so par, his body has become so cachectic. he's so weak that duane has to support him when he has to shift from sitting on the sofa to lying down.

i tried asking some details about his illness, alex himself told me he has cancer. of what type, he doesn't know. what's devastating is that he's gone totally blind. when i asked him how he was, he simply said, "it's dark, dennise". what a sad thing for someone whose life is, ironically, with the visual arts. apparently, there's no more option for surgery and he isn't having chemotherapy. but the spirit is still there, our dear old alex, hanging in there and fighting.

so if you can't visit him in no. 5 magiting street, teacher's village, please say a prayer for him.

i hope everybody's doing well, happy, and in good health.

i miss you, batchmates :)

-dennise

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you were willing to do just about anything to get it? I want to feel that. I want to know what it feels like to be really passionate about something or someone and completely surrender myself – body, soul and mind – to it. I feel like for the longest time I have been comfortably staying at my comfort zones – work, relationships, etc that I really don’t challenge myself enough or give myself a stronger push. I know how to do a lot of things but I really wouldn’t consider myself an expert on any one thing (based on my definition of expertise). I feel like if I focus on just one thing, I can be really good at it. I need some sleep. I am not making much sense.

TGIF!!!

I don't remember EVER feeling this PISSED OFF before. AAARRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I HATE PEOPLE! I HATE PEOPLE! I HATE PEOPLE! I HATE PEOPLE! I HATE PEOPLE! I HATE PEOPLE! I HATE PEOPLE! I HATE PEOPLE! I HATE PEOPLE! DON'T EVER TRUST ANY OF YOUR CO-WORKERS!!!!! EVER!!! I should know this. Out of all people, I should be the one to know what this person is about! BUT... since I have become this weakling and try so hard to be a nice person, I started making friends AT WORK!! I FEEL SO FREAKIN BETRAYED!!

- I knew I wasn't going to win. I don't win anything based on luck

There are rumors spreading that by the end of the year, my company might not renew its lease of the building where I work. If that happens, I might be forced to work from the city… which is ok. I would just have to endure a more painful commute and challenging transition since I have been working at the same building for more than six years (7 in Jan 2006). Yes, I have been driving to and from one location every single weekday and some weekends for more than six years.

Since everything else around me changes, I wanted this one part of my life to stay the same. I guess no one can escape the only constant thing in life – change.

Other Updates:

Currently reading: Acting Stupid by Kevin Sheehan

Comments: I really enjoy this book since it was written by an old co-worker and the characters in it were based on my other co-workers. Hmmmm.. if people, who don’t know my old co-workers, read this book, would they find it as interesting as I do?

I received a phone call from an old friend the other day. It was a bit weird but was ok overall.

Work is ok. Love life is ok. Family life is ok. Everything is a OK.

Wow... It's been a while since my last post. I've been very busy with everything that's going on that I haven't had time to sit down and update this online journal. I'll make sure to post some updates soon!!!