the red and blue of me

I received a phone call EARLY this morning and received some very interesting news.

I'm not sure if I'm sad, angry, relieved or disappointed....

I'm sleepy. I went to the gym today after work and had a pretty satisfying work out. Even though I enjoy my home workouts, I still like going to the gym because of: free weights, HUGE mirror, treadmill, stairmaster, and the fact that I seem to be the only person at work who uses it!!!! I could sing, dance and lift weights at the same time ... If I wanted to.

I have to purchase 10-15 lbs dumbells for home.. 8's are not challenging anymore.

I am so glad this week is almost over. Work has been really hard and hectic. It was so challenging that the moment I finished one of my very complicated projects, I found myself praying and thanking God for helping me figure things out and get things done. I had a smile on my face and was really greatful. Even though I am probably the only person who will ever know how hard I worked to get it done, it was still worth it. We learn the most from things/events that are hardest to figure out/handle.

I have to go snooze soon. I look forward to more challenging days!

i can't see past today
all i care is right now
but what about tomorrow?
have you thought of tomorrow?
i loved you yesterday
i love you today
will you love me tomorrow?
how will this work?
will you meet me half the way?
is there a future for us?

its past midnight. its completely dark in my apartment. all the lights are off and i am listening to 'home' by michael buble. i was really sleepy earlier, but decided to start packing some of my shoes. i have lots of shoes. i will 'ship' a box tomorrow.

work went well today. my boss assured my team that we will not get affected by the layoffs next month. i'm relieved.

i watched troy for the third time. i love brad pitt!!!

i like the sound of rain. it puts me in a very calm mood. the music has stopped playing so now i just hear rain drops and the fan. its very quiet. its very dark and very quiet. i'm surprised i'm not scared.
-------------------------------------------------
Rain by Madonna

Rain, feel it on my finger tips
Hear it on my window pane
Your love's coming down like
Rain, wash away my sorrow
Take away my pain
Your love's coming down like rain

When your lips are burning mine
And you take the time to tell me how you feel
When you listen to my words
And I know you've heard, I know it's real
Rain is what this thunder brings
For the first time I can hear my heart sing
Call me a fool but I know I'm not
I'm gonna stand out here on the mountain top
Till I feel your

[chorus]

When you looked into my eyes
And you said goodbye could you see my tears
When I turned the other way
Did you hear me say
I'd wait for all the dark clouds bursting in a perfect sky
You promised me when you said goodbye
That you'd return when the storm was done
And now I'll wait for the light, I'll wait for the sun
Till I feel your

[chorus]

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say, never go away

Waiting is the hardest thing
(It's strange I feel like I've known you before)
I tell myself that if I believe in you
(And I want to understand you)
In the dream of you
(More and more)
With all my heart and all my soul
(When I'm with you)
That by sheer force of will
(I feel like a magical child)
I will raise you from the ground
(Everything strange)
And without a sound you'll appear
(Everything wild)
And surrender to me, to love

Rain is what the thunder brings
For the first time I can hear my heart sing
Call me a fool but I know I'm not
I'm gonna stand out here on the mountain top
Till I feel your

Rain, I feel it, it's coming
Your love's coming down like
[repeat]

[chorus]

Rain, I feel it, it's coming
Your love's coming down like
[repeat]

Rain

...
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
That this is not your dream
But you always believed in me
....

I went to a portrait studio today to get my graduation photos taken. I'm not quite comfy with the pictures. Maybe its because I felt too self conscious - specially with the glam shots. So, when I got home, I took some photos of myself just because...

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

I met up with Fred last night. It was ok. We were supposed to watch the b-ball game but I decided for us to have coffee instead. He still makes me laugh. I think his sense of humor was one of the reasons why we stayed together for almost four years. He made me laugh and made me take things less seriously.. amongst other things. We talked about some of our common friends who continue to do crazy things with their lives. Its amazing what people do for money, attention, love. We also talked about women - mom's in particular. It seems as though women are so much stronger than men. Most of the mothers now have full time jobs, take of their kids, cook, clean the house, do the laundry, dishes, bills, etc. while their husbands just sit around at home doing nothing but complain (a lot!) and work (if they have a job). In addition, there are lots of mothers out there that run their families without husbands. (I thought about this since I know a lot of people who don't celebrate Father's Day because their fathers are not actively "involved" in their lives.) Women really do deserve more credit than they are given.

This conversation lead me to think of roles of men in women's lives. Do us women really need men in our lives? There are some who may answer yes, but I am quite sure there are plenty who would answer no - me included.


I spent most of the weekend relaxing under the sun!! After my tennis class, I went back to my aunt's place to celebrate Father's day, went swimming and just relaxed under the sun. It was soo hot that I got a tan in less than two hours!!

I'm at work now and my tummy hurts - probably from overeating this past weekend. Kabag yata. My mom leaves for the US tomorrow.

I just got off the phone with Manang!!! Yay!! We're in speaking terms again. We spoke for 2 hrs and 30 minutes. I'm tired. ....

have you ever listened to james blunt? i can't stop listening to him now. his songs and style remind me of my other fave, damien rice. break-up songs are amazing - they feel and sound so raw, so true, so real. hey, he even wrote a song about me... ;)

Listen to his songs on his
MySpace

You're Beautiful

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.















Goodbye My Lover

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

i'm at my dad's watching nba finals - miami vs dalls. miami has to win or else its over for them. there's no way they can recover if dallas wins this third game. anyway, i had fun playing tennis with my siblings. even though we were probably the worst players at the park (the park has six courts in total) we still had a blast.

I have to head home soon since its almost 10 pm. I don't want to park far away from my apartment...

I have got to work out!!!!

Work is still crazy busy...
Even though I missed my tennis class last Sun, I was still able to play at least an hour with my siblings and their cousin. My backhand is way better than my forehand. My serve is OK.

I need to start packing.

I will be living with my brother and mother for a while before I either purchase a house or move back to NY or the Phil... :)

I might still be able to attend my graduation ceremony...

It's my dad's bday on Saturday and its Father's Day on Sunday.. I still have not purchased a gift. I might just give him a gift cert to Best Buy or Buy.com.

---------------------------------
I needed to leave for us to grow
You were all I know, all I wanted and all I had
Now we both have so much more to offer
and nothing to lose
I loved you then, I love you now
You are the one I choose
--------------------------------



Current Favorite Song: Unwritten

I am starting to feel a bit sad/melancholy about leaving NY. I know that this move will be good for me but I do feel sad about leaving my family, friends, acquaintances, work place, food, restaurants, parks, malls, highways, parkways, roads, neighbors, counties, cities, towns, parades, parties, tennis courts, basketball courts, etc. Eventhough I know I can always visit the state that is mostly responsible for molding me into the person that I am now, I will still miss it.
I love NY!!

In addition, I finally decided not to go to my graduation ceremony next month. I will be needing all of my vacation days to move and will not be able to take a couple of days off to fly to Phoenix. I'm a bit sad about that too. (just a bit)

It's 2:37 and I am still home and haven't done anything. I guess I did need some rest.

Have you ever felt such happiness that it makes you feel so light you think you're flying?
I feel completely alive again. I have no worries, doubts nor fears. I am living and loving everything around me, every person I meet and every event that happens in my life. Life is beautiful.
I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid to try, to fail, to live. I have put myself out there, made myself vulnerable just to feel it all once again. I'm free.

Excerpt from an email I had sent...
..That Sunday night when we had that talk, I fell in love with you all over again. I felt like all the love I was keeping inside me was just waiting for your return. It was all meant for you. As I listened to you, I knew that you were the "one" for me. I was happy. I was happy to know that I love you and you were there right in front of me. All I could think of and hope for was for you to be happy too. If you had told me that you were happy with your gf and would want to marry her, I would be fine with it. Knowing that you are happy would make me happy.
Loving someone..loving you.. made me feel alive again and that was more than I could ask for....



Love is patient, Love is kind,
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud, It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.

Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

L o v e N e v e r F a i l s.

Corinthians 13 : 4 - 8

Yep. It's 11 AM and I am still at home. I guess I am not going to my tennis class. :)

I'm tired. I slept at 4AM again. I was able to finally get rid of jetlag last Friday and felt like I was missing out on life. Now the last thing I want to do is sleep since all I did last week was sleep after I get home from work.

What's new with me you ask? A lot.

It's almost 7AM. I've been up since 3AM -jetlag sucks! Its raining out. I'm listening to "She's Saving Me" by Indigo Girls - the perfect song to listen to at this moment. I just signed the non-renewal lease of my apartment. This is it! I am definitely leaving this apartment and... moving to Austin, TX. I will speak to my Director today to see if I can get relocated. If I can't get reloc'd I'll just find another job. I just need to get out of where I am now and be with family. I might need to sell most of my stuff here since I don't think they'd fit in my car.

Work is crazy busy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I might need to work this weekend. ARGGHHH!!!

I can't wait til my next swim class! I need to practice my new tennis skills before Sunday since I really suck! I was so stiff last time.

Aightttt, I have to take a showa and head to work.

Even though I am extremely tired (due to jetlag) I was still able to enjoy my first swimming and tennis classes. I enjoyed my swimming class better than my tennis since I know swimming is more important and challenging. I bought a pink tennis racket and a set of pink tennis balls during my one hour break since I couldn't find my old racket at my dad's place. I still need to purchase a one piece swim suit, goggles and swim cap. I LOVE THIS!!!! I can't wait 'til next Sunday!!!

I feel like I had taken at least six showers within the past two days. My body clock is so messed up. I take a nap, I wake up and feel the need to take a shower.

I worked out earlier. Thank goodness! I worked out only twice when I was in Manila cause it was so freakin' hot to work out. I feel a lot better now. Tomorrow is the start of my swim and tennis classes. I completely forgot to purchase a fresh can of tennis balls.