good

life has been good for me lately. work has been challenging. i was able to meet my team mates and was able to go to dallas last week. my weekends have been very eventful as well. i went to an open mic karaoke bar and watched Bobby the movie (which was not so great) a couple of weekends ago, went card shopping and went bowling yesterday. my brother had 3 STRIKES in a row! everything is just peachy. :)
i also started listening to Damien Rice again.
i LOVE HIM!!!
view the video of 9 Crimes

below are words to one of his new songs:
rootless tree

what i want from you
is empty your head
they say be true,
don't stain your bed
we do what we need to be free
and it leans on me
like a rootless tree
what i want from us
is empty our minds
we fake a fuss
and fracture the times
we go blind
when we've needed to see
and this leans on me
like a rootless...
so fuck you
and all we've been through
i said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
then hate me so good that you can let me out
let me out of this hell when you're around

what i want from this
is learn to let go
no not of you
of all that's been told
killers reinvent and believe
and this leans on me
like a rootless...
so fuck you
and all we've been through
i said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
then hate me so good that you can let me out
let me out of this hell when you're around
let me out...
and fuck you, fuck you, i love you
and all we've been through
i said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
then hate me so good that you can let me out
argghh.. i'm getting old and i do want to get married and have kids someday......................................................................
i used to tell myself that i was going to buy a house before i get married . kind of like a sign that i have lived an independent single life successfully. i also used to tell myself that i was going to get married at 30 and have kids before i turn 35. hmmm.. i'm almost 28 and very much single.. tick. tock....

i need some sleep

blah

not quite sure what to write. i just know i had to type .. something... anything.
well, i have been thinking of everything. i also have been watching LOTS of Sex and the City. funny since i used to hate it and now i can't get enough of it. hmm... kindof like anything else i used to love then hate then love.. love and hate - i think they're one and the same.
sometimes i love being single and sometimes i hate being single. sometimes i love my job and most of the time i hate my job. i think you have to at one point hate something to love it or the other way around. like this guy that i used to really like and now i despise but still like. ayayaya. hmmm.. should i start dating again? maybe i will. my only problem is that most guys i find interesting are not available and i just ignore the guys who find me interesting . maybe i enjoy the challenge or maybe i'm just not ready or maybe i'm thinking too much or blah blah blah.

gotta get back to watching this stupid show and get some much needed rest.

btw, i had a REALLY good workout today!!

pics

my favorite stress reliever!!!

thinking.. differently

i am at work. yeah, its saturday and some people think that i shouldn't be working on a saturday.. but i am. i think if we accept our work as part of our lives, part of something that we create and learn from, i think we would think of work as something that we enjoy doing and wouldn't think of it as a chore or a mere source of income. we can make our work work for us.

yuki no hana





i really like this song even though i don't understand it.
i just feel the music, the voice and the mood. sometimes you don't need words to understand music or people. action, or music in this case, speaks louder than words. no need for explanation nor definition... you just feel it and it feels good.

new york state of mind

well, the title really has nothing to do with my post.

the past couple of weeks have been good.. no great for me. i feel like i'm finally starting to feel comfortable here and am actually starting to do things that i've wanted to do.
on my last post i talked about this house that i was trying to get. well, i signed the contract last week and am now working with a loan advisor and selecting the best loan para mi. i also started taking salsa lessons. my first lesson was held just hours ago. it was great. the best part is...an hour session inside a dance club only costs FIVE DOLLARS! i love this city! in addition, i think i've made new friends and reconnected with old friends. life is grand! oh, before i forget, i've been taking spinning classes and been seeing a personal trainer for about a month now. i selected the cutest personal trainer at my gym! :)

what else.. well, i also have been thinking about men that i have met lately. i think the gods must be playing games with me since he is surrounding me with great guys who are not available or who are still missing something... one thing or two things which obviously are big enough things for me since I haven't made any move. am i being too picky? are my standards just way too high? or am i just scared to be in a relationship again and break another guy's heart. i don't know.

oh, btw, one of my co-workers died of cancer last week. i knew he was sick but i didn't think that he was going to die. one thing i distinctly remember about him is that i had a fight with him when he first joined our team... i created a memorial website for him so he would be remembered forever. Click Here to view

getting older

Its a glorious Sunday afternoon. I am at work (yeah.. I like my job) working on some automations for some changes that happened this weekend. I probably wont stay long. I still need to go to my sales agent and get copies of the paperwork I signed yesterday for my new home application. Yeah.. I am trying to buy a house. If I get approved, I will become a home owner of a 4 br, 2.5 bath, 2,271 sq ft house with a deck, patio and an immaculate master bedroom and walk in closet. I am not rejoicing yet... but I am glad that I am taking this HUGE step. I am also glad that I am doing this with the help and support of my family. (Chuch, the 4th br is yours!!!)

Ok... Gotta get back to work so I can leave! :)

reality sinks in

hmm..i think i've used this title before.


thank god for old friends
(i say friends cause friends usually know you better than family)
they keep me grounded
they remind me of who i am,
they remind me of past
and give hope to hold on to for tomorrow

this move is hard for me

i am just starting to really get to know people and that scares me
i thought i already know them from previous years, previous visits but i really don't
now i'm not so sure if i like them
holy moly
i'm starting to feel like a stranger
stranger at work, among friends and at home
.....and that can get pretty lonely

but i still have austin
i still have great weather, great cafe's, cheap living, great outdoor views
i still have me
i still have my car
i still have the firm :)
i still have good friends and family back at home
i still have my health
i still have hope that i'd find new friends
i just need to give myself some time to adjust

wow

saturday night.. sitting on the couch in the living room watching sisterhood of the travelling pants. its a good movie. i balled the first time i watched it.
anyway.. wow, its been a while since i last had time to do this. i always have thoughts that i want to write but never really had alone time to relax and blog until now.

it gets cold now at nights. it feels like the end of summer in ny.

so what's new with me?? hmmm.. i have really short hair again with dark red highlights. i'm back to doing the firm and tae bo home workouts and am now taking spinning classes at the gym. oh and i also haven't been enjoying my work and workplace. people at work are boring... or maybe i'm boring.. i don't know. but i sure feel a bit out of place. i'm surrounded with sales people and we all know what that means. hmmm.. i hope that in time, i get to feel more comfortable and maybe make new friends. also, i have been really stressed out from my work overload and my new boss... blah blah blah. i hate it when i hear myself complain.. maybe its time for me to venture out of my comfort zone.. venture out of mci...

sisterhood of the pantalon just ended.. oh i also have hbo on demand :)

what else?? hmmm.. my love life is lifeless as of this moment. i don't think i have the energy to date or meet guys. (i feel sooooo tired most of the time) there are some prospects but i have no interest. not right now.

there was this guy who approached me one morning while i was fixing a cup of coffee at the cafe where i work. he looked at me, handed a piece of paper and said that i dropped it. i looked back at him and said, "i don't think so." then he left. well, that note basically said that he had seen me a couple of times at the cafe and thought i was beautiful, give him a call, etc., etc. I thought that move was pretty creative. too bad for him, i still haven't called.

i don't know. i'll probably be single forever. single mother though since i do want to have kids. maybe i'll adopt...

what else?? hmmmm... i think i'll end this for now.

new state, new state of mind

new place, new state, new life. everything around me is new. all of my old routines are gone. i wonder if this new life will change me completely. i know i am going through a hell of a process adjusting to new people and new living situation. it seems as though i have to re-adjust my old way of thinking. i do notice that i get irritated quicker -differences in age, culture, values, morals, etc. clash. its painful, but i'm a sucker for pain and i know that this is for the better in the end. and besides, anything that is worth something usually doesn't come without hard work or some amount of pain .. to me at least.

----------------NEW TOPIC---------------------

since i haven't posted in a while i am writing another post.
title: change

some people wait for things to happen, wait for things to change and they are completely satisfied. for some reason, i think i bring changes to my life. i think of things that i want changed and i change them. some changes are small and easy and others are huge and painful. yes, change is painful. i don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing; i just know that it works for me. maybe its because i don't like to hear myself complain about anything that i have control over so i initiate changes to stop hearing myself from complaining... hmmm..

i still like james blunt... :)

counting down

... its pretty sad. i honestly didn't think that I was going to feel sad about leaving. i am definitely going to miss my family, good friends and work. the most surprising thing about this whole experience is that i will probably miss my dad the most. he has been really good to me. i'm getting teary eyed. oh well.

my apartment is almost empty. :(

song by IG -

Thought I knew my mind like the back of my hand,
The gold and the rainbow, but nothing panned out as I planned.
And they say only milk and honey's gonna make your soul satisfied!
Well I better learn how to swim
Cause the crossing is chilly and wide.
Twisted guardrail on the highway, broken glass on the cement
A ghost of someone's tragedy
How recklessly my time has been spent.
And they say that it's never too late, but you don't get any younger!
Well I better learn how to starve the emptiness
And feed the hunger
Up on the watershed, standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agony's your heaviest load.
You'll never fly as the crow flies, get used to a country mile.
When you're learning to face the path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while.
Well there's always retrospect to light a clearer path
Every five years or so I look back on my life
And I have a good laugh.
You start at the top, go full circle round
Catch a breeze, take a spill
But ending up where i started again makes me wanna stand still.
Stepping on a crack, breaking up and looking back
Every tree limb overhead just seems to sit and wait.
Until every step you take becomes a twist of fate.

hard time

what's really the purpose of having a significant other? aside from the obvious benefit (which is really very appealing, btw), what other important benefits do you get from having a gf/bf? having someone to talk to, listen, do activities with, make plans with and sleep with and love i guess are some of the obvious reasons. are there any other? i am personally having a hard time finding reasons for having a bf right now. I mean, you can do those things with other people like friends and family. oh whatever... it's late...

haven't posted in a while

that's because I have been CRAZY bz at work!!! I've been coming home late (sometimes after 9PM!!) and coming in early!! I also have been packing little by little for my much anticipated move. its almost august so I only have less than a month before I leave this place that I've called home for 10+ years. august is going to be one heck of a busy month - work, travel, party, visitors and move...

b4 i forget, i have been working out at the nysc in scarsdale which is AWESOME!!! and was able to drive a white 2005 lincoln LS (cooled seats, baby!) for half a day. I had it as a loaner while my baby suv was getting serviced.

that's all folks!

enlightenment

lots of things have been on my mind lately. after the events at work last week, i started feeling lost. losing a great leader/mentor/influence/boss does that to you. he will truly be missed. i will hang in there until maybe after my move. no need to rush in to things. i will stay to see what this new change has in store for me before i make any decisions.

outdoors

just got home from running. yep, i missed my swim and tennis classes. i was late for my swim class so i decided to go for a run along the parkway instead. it was fun and exhausting. running outdoors is way different than running on a treadmill. running outdoors is definitely more satisfying since you get to enjoy the great weather, nature, ducks on the river, birds flying and get to see other runners and bikers having as much fun as you. running on a treadmil, however has less hills and great pavement (of course). its all good. now i have to take a shower since i stink like crazy.

greatest song ever

continue

i'm at my dad's place right now. no one is here so I have the place all to myself. i had leftover dinuguan and bread for dinner. they don't have diet coke so i settled for a couple of sips of sprite. i can't bring myself to drink non diet soda. i am waiting for Andrew's turtle to finish eating so i can change the water in the tank... which stinks like crazy!!

i had a great work out earlier. i did two miles on the treadmill then worked on my upper body. now, i'm tired and i stink.

ok.. its time to change the water ... tbc..

what a week!

Last week came and went like a hurricane. It started at a normal to busy pace then everything seemed to happen all at once mid to the last part of the week.

I have known months ago that my company is going to lay off a decent number of employees this July. Everyone talked about it, but no one knew who was going to get affected. Last week, I found out that this layoff is going to be really awful and it might actually hit home. That's all I can say for now.

On top of having to work late nights due to my very hectic work schedule and having to deal with pre-lay-off-panic-attacks, I also had to deal with a sore throat and a cold.

So, before the week was over, I decided to give a close friend from the Philippines a call since his voice relaxes me and having conversations with him puts me in a good mood. He has the power to make my worries disappear. After a great conversation, I headed to the gym to fight off my cold and rejuvinate. After the gym, I even rewarded myself by having some bubble tea! I thought the week was going to end pretty nicely.

But no, of course not. Friday morning I received some very interesting news via an overseas phone call from a girl I did not know and wasn't expecting to talk to in the course of my life. Needless to say, the news made me walk like a zombie the rest of the day. I was depressed, mad, hurt, upset, confused and sick.

Sick as a dog, I woke up early Sat morning to get my car oil changed. I had a 9AM appointment and wanted to get it done early so I can go back home and rest before I head to Staten Island to attend my cousin's graduation party. I got to my car's service department and my dealer greeted me with a smile. I told him I was sick but I wanted to get an oil change. He quickly demanded that I go back home and get an oil change when the miles on my car reach 5k (which I thought was pretty high). Like a good sick student, I followed his advice and went back home. I slept for an hour and got ready for my much dreaded trip to Staten Island. If it wasn't my cousin's party, I would have just stayed home and slept all day.

to be continued...

Happy Friday

I received a phone call EARLY this morning and received some very interesting news.

I'm not sure if I'm sad, angry, relieved or disappointed....
I'm sleepy. I went to the gym today after work and had a pretty satisfying work out. Even though I enjoy my home workouts, I still like going to the gym because of: free weights, HUGE mirror, treadmill, stairmaster, and the fact that I seem to be the only person at work who uses it!!!! I could sing, dance and lift weights at the same time ... If I wanted to.

I have to purchase 10-15 lbs dumbells for home.. 8's are not challenging anymore.

I am so glad this week is almost over. Work has been really hard and hectic. It was so challenging that the moment I finished one of my very complicated projects, I found myself praying and thanking God for helping me figure things out and get things done. I had a smile on my face and was really greatful. Even though I am probably the only person who will ever know how hard I worked to get it done, it was still worth it. We learn the most from things/events that are hardest to figure out/handle.

I have to go snooze soon. I look forward to more challenging days!

us

i can't see past today
all i care is right now
but what about tomorrow?
have you thought of tomorrow?
i loved you yesterday
i love you today
will you love me tomorrow?
how will this work?
will you meet me half the way?
is there a future for us?

rain

its past midnight. its completely dark in my apartment. all the lights are off and i am listening to 'home' by michael buble. i was really sleepy earlier, but decided to start packing some of my shoes. i have lots of shoes. i will 'ship' a box tomorrow.

work went well today. my boss assured my team that we will not get affected by the layoffs next month. i'm relieved.

i watched troy for the third time. i love brad pitt!!!

i like the sound of rain. it puts me in a very calm mood. the music has stopped playing so now i just hear rain drops and the fan. its very quiet. its very dark and very quiet. i'm surprised i'm not scared.
-------------------------------------------------
Rain by Madonna

Rain, feel it on my finger tips
Hear it on my window pane
Your love's coming down like
Rain, wash away my sorrow
Take away my pain
Your love's coming down like rain

When your lips are burning mine
And you take the time to tell me how you feel
When you listen to my words
And I know you've heard, I know it's real
Rain is what this thunder brings
For the first time I can hear my heart sing
Call me a fool but I know I'm not
I'm gonna stand out here on the mountain top
Till I feel your

[chorus]

When you looked into my eyes
And you said goodbye could you see my tears
When I turned the other way
Did you hear me say
I'd wait for all the dark clouds bursting in a perfect sky
You promised me when you said goodbye
That you'd return when the storm was done
And now I'll wait for the light, I'll wait for the sun
Till I feel your

[chorus]

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say, never go away

Waiting is the hardest thing
(It's strange I feel like I've known you before)
I tell myself that if I believe in you
(And I want to understand you)
In the dream of you
(More and more)
With all my heart and all my soul
(When I'm with you)
That by sheer force of will
(I feel like a magical child)
I will raise you from the ground
(Everything strange)
And without a sound you'll appear
(Everything wild)
And surrender to me, to love

Rain is what the thunder brings
For the first time I can hear my heart sing
Call me a fool but I know I'm not
I'm gonna stand out here on the mountain top
Till I feel your

Rain, I feel it, it's coming
Your love's coming down like
[repeat]

[chorus]

Rain, I feel it, it's coming
Your love's coming down like
[repeat]

Rain

home




...
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
That this is not your dream
But you always believed in me
....

grad pics

I went to a portrait studio today to get my graduation photos taken. I'm not quite comfy with the pictures. Maybe its because I felt too self conscious - specially with the glam shots. So, when I got home, I took some photos of myself just because...


Try

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

update

I met up with Fred last night. It was ok. We were supposed to watch the b-ball game but I decided for us to have coffee instead. He still makes me laugh. I think his sense of humor was one of the reasons why we stayed together for almost four years. He made me laugh and made me take things less seriously.. amongst other things. We talked about some of our common friends who continue to do crazy things with their lives. Its amazing what people do for money, attention, love. We also talked about women - mom's in particular. It seems as though women are so much stronger than men. Most of the mothers now have full time jobs, take of their kids, cook, clean the house, do the laundry, dishes, bills, etc. while their husbands just sit around at home doing nothing but complain (a lot!) and work (if they have a job). In addition, there are lots of mothers out there that run their families without husbands. (I thought about this since I know a lot of people who don't celebrate Father's Day because their fathers are not actively "involved" in their lives.) Women really do deserve more credit than they are given.

This conversation lead me to think of roles of men in women's lives. Do us women really need men in our lives? There are some who may answer yes, but I am quite sure there are plenty who would answer no - me included.


I spent most of the weekend relaxing under the sun!! After my tennis class, I went back to my aunt's place to celebrate Father's day, went swimming and just relaxed under the sun. It was soo hot that I got a tan in less than two hours!!

I'm at work now and my tummy hurts - probably from overeating this past weekend. Kabag yata. My mom leaves for the US tomorrow.

otp

I just got off the phone with Manang!!! Yay!! We're in speaking terms again. We spoke for 2 hrs and 30 minutes. I'm tired. ....

i'm so hollow

have you ever listened to james blunt? i can't stop listening to him now. his songs and style remind me of my other fave, damien rice. break-up songs are amazing - they feel and sound so raw, so true, so real. hey, he even wrote a song about me... ;)

Listen to his songs on his
MySpace

You're Beautiful


My life is brilliant.

My love is pure.
I saw an
angel
.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.
















Goodbye My Lover


Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.


at my dad's

i'm at my dad's watching nba finals - miami vs dalls. miami has to win or else its over for them. there's no way they can recover if dallas wins this third game. anyway, i had fun playing tennis with my siblings. even though we were probably the worst players at the park (the park has six courts in total) we still had a blast.

I have to head home soon since its almost 10 pm. I don't want to park far away from my apartment...
I have got to work out!!!!

Work is still crazy busy...
Even though I missed my tennis class last Sun, I was still able to play at least an hour with my siblings and their cousin. My backhand is way better than my forehand. My serve is OK.

I need to start packing.

I will be living with my brother and mother for a while before I either purchase a house or move back to NY or the Phil... :)

I might still be able to attend my graduation ceremony...

It's my dad's bday on Saturday and its Father's Day on Sunday.. I still have not purchased a gift. I might just give him a gift cert to Best Buy or Buy.com.

---------------------------------
I needed to leave for us to grow
You were all I know, all I wanted and all I had
Now we both have so much more to offer
and nothing to lose
I loved you then, I love you now
You are the one I choose
--------------------------------



Current Favorite Song: Unwritten

reality sinks in

I am starting to feel a bit sad/melancholy about leaving NY. I know that this move will be good for me but I do feel sad about leaving my family, friends, acquaintances, work place, food, restaurants, parks, malls, highways, parkways, roads, neighbors, counties, cities, towns, parades, parties, tennis courts, basketball courts, etc. Eventhough I know I can always visit the state that is mostly responsible for molding me into the person that I am now, I will still miss it.
I love NY!!

In addition, I finally decided not to go to my graduation ceremony next month. I will be needing all of my vacation days to move and will not be able to take a couple of days off to fly to Phoenix. I'm a bit sad about that too. (just a bit)

I'm cool

It's 2:37 and I am still home and haven't done anything. I guess I did need some rest.

Have you ever felt such happiness that it makes you feel so light you think you're flying?
I feel completely alive again. I have no worries, doubts nor fears. I am living and loving everything around me, every person I meet and every event that happens in my life. Life is beautiful.
I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid to try, to fail, to live. I have put myself out there, made myself vulnerable just to feel it all once again. I'm free.

Excerpt from an email I had sent...
..That Sunday night when we had that talk, I fell in love with you all over again. I felt like all the love I was keeping inside me was just waiting for your return. It was all meant for you. As I listened to you, I knew that you were the "one" for me. I was happy. I was happy to know that I love you and you were there right in front of me. All I could think of and hope for was for you to be happy too. If you had told me that you were happy with your gf and would want to marry her, I would be fine with it. Knowing that you are happy would make me happy.
Loving someone..loving you.. made me feel alive again and that was more than I could ask for....



Love is patient, Love is kind,
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud, It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.

Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

L o v e N e v e r F a i l s.

Corinthians 13 : 4 - 8

Sunday morning

Yep. It's 11 AM and I am still at home. I guess I am not going to my tennis class. :)

I'm tired. I slept at 4AM again. I was able to finally get rid of jetlag last Friday and felt like I was missing out on life. Now the last thing I want to do is sleep since all I did last week was sleep after I get home from work.

What's new with me you ask? A lot.

morning rain

It's almost 7AM. I've been up since 3AM -jetlag sucks! Its raining out. I'm listening to "She's Saving Me" by Indigo Girls - the perfect song to listen to at this moment. I just signed the non-renewal lease of my apartment. This is it! I am definitely leaving this apartment and... moving to Austin, TX. I will speak to my Director today to see if I can get relocated. If I can't get reloc'd I'll just find another job. I just need to get out of where I am now and be with family. I might need to sell most of my stuff here since I don't think they'd fit in my car.

Work is crazy busy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I might need to work this weekend. ARGGHHH!!!

I can't wait til my next swim class! I need to practice my new tennis skills before Sunday since I really suck! I was so stiff last time.

Aightttt, I have to take a showa and head to work.

my first swim and tennis class

Even though I am extremely tired (due to jetlag) I was still able to enjoy my first swimming and tennis classes. I enjoyed my swimming class better than my tennis since I know swimming is more important and challenging. I bought a pink tennis racket and a set of pink tennis balls during my one hour break since I couldn't find my old racket at my dad's place. I still need to purchase a one piece swim suit, goggles and swim cap. I LOVE THIS!!!! I can't wait 'til next Sunday!!!

Sat midnight

I feel like I had taken at least six showers within the past two days. My body clock is so messed up. I take a nap, I wake up and feel the need to take a shower.

I worked out earlier. Thank goodness! I worked out only twice when I was in Manila cause it was so freakin' hot to work out. I feel a lot better now. Tomorrow is the start of my swim and tennis classes. I completely forgot to purchase a fresh can of tennis balls.

still in my pj's

Me and my cute god daughter, Ruth Abigail
--------------------------------------------


Inside University of the Philippines (UP) in Diliman. Visiting UP always makes me feel like I am home again... Can you see the jeepneys behind me?














Gumamela in UP














-------------------------

Can you see Taal volcano behind me? Yes, I went to Tagaytay, but was not able to take a boat ride to the volcano. I will on my next trip.











-------------------------
Pagsanjan Falls - I went to Pagsanjan Falls last week. I wasn't able to bring my camera so I am posting another person's picture of exactly where I was - under the falls. The current was strong, the water was waist high and COLD. I went with two korean guys. My sister and mother were scared to go in. It was awesome!


- Change topic -
Yep. It is now 1:14 in the pm and I am still in my pj's. I do have a towel on my shoulder - an attempt to take a shower. Showers are taken at least twice a day here. I take a shower in the morning (which I missed today), noon before I go out and at night before bed. This is mandatory since it is crazy hot, humid and polluted outside.

-change topic -
I still don't like men. I am convinced that men only have one thing in mind - sex! Well, maybe not all guys but most of them only think about sex. They will do everything to get in your pants. Unfreaking believable.

-change topic -
I saw X-Men 3 yesterday with my younger brother. It was AWESOME!!! Half of the main characters died! Great!

-change topic -
I am waiting for my younger brother to pick me up. We are finally going to watch Da Vinci Code. :)

Ok. I think it's time for me to take a shower.
It's Tuesday at 9:35 am here in Mandaluyong. I woke up at 6am which was later than my usual 5am wake up time. I'm at my mom's new place in... her bedroom. I just turned off the AC since it was ON all night. It's hot. I'm still in my pantulog - Aldous' big shirt and basketball shorts. I'm hungry. I will probably ask the katulong to prepare something to eat around 10. I had oatmeal and instant coffee 3 hours ago. I will be meeting with HS friends later tonight. That should be fun. (I'm not sure why I'm writing this way...) I spoke with Joy last night and said she might get married next year and asked me to sing at her wedding. I will most definitely go. This is my 11th day here in Manila and so far I have gone to all the places I planned to go, met people I wanted to meet and done most everything I wanted to do. This visit has been enlightening, entertaining and fulfilling.

My relationship with my mom has changed for the better. It seems as though we have agreed to disagree. I have found a way to express my opinions to her in a way that will not prompt her to feel like she's being attacked or pinapagalitan. Since I cannot change who I am specially when it comes to expressing my opinions, I can only change my style of expressing myself. I tell her all the time that she's "tamad" (lazy) jokingly since she makes the katulong (maid) do everything for her. I also tell her that she will have a hard time surviving in the states since she won't have katulong there. I then proceed to help my mom's katulong by washing the dishes, folding clothes, etc. Hoping that my mom would notice.

TBC.... I have a visitor to entertain - and I am still in my pantulog

stuff by crazy me

..While I was going through my old documents, I came across these poems, notes I had written in the past (I'm such a looney!). some were written back in 2003, 2004, 2005. I'm not a pro writer, but I needed to express my feelings somehow.


Dont - written in 2004

Don’t come too close.
Don’t hold me near.
Don’t say those words I long to hear.
Don’t move.
Don’t breathe.
Please be still.

I’ve been there before and have seen it all
I know what you want; I don’t want to fall
Please keep your distance
Please keep your smile
So I can keep my sanity at least for a while


Don’t come too close.
Don’t hold me near.
Don’t say those words I long to hear.
Don’t move.
Don’t breathe.
Please stay still.


The pain still lingers deep down in my soul
My heart was shattered; I lost control
Try to keep us apart
Try to keep me whole
I don’t think I’d survive if it happens once more

Don’t come too close.
Don’t hold me near.
Don’t say those words I need to hear.
Don’t move.
Don’t breathe.
But please stay here

----------------------------------------------

Written in 2004-

I think about you almost everyday now.
I know its nothing real; its just something new
But it surely feels good thinking that I have you

----------------------------------------------

- email I never sent - 2005

I am falling for you. I’m sick of pretending that I feel otherwise. I guess the fact that I allowed myself to make love with you was a sign. So, with that said, I am going to start to keep my distance from you. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want you to hurt me. Good bye.

---------------------------------

note - 2004

Chocolate Milkshake
Long, lazy Sunday afternoon
Rocky Road ice cream with marshmallows
Scrambled eggs and sausage
Luis Vuitton Handbag
Tiramisu
Short, satin black dress
Diamond earrings

You are everything that I cannot afford
And everything that I want to have
You’re a tease
You’re my short and sweet temptation

-------------------------------------

- note 2005

For the longest time now, I've been trying to keep myself from falling for you. The more I do it, the less I feel, the more I lose. I had told myself that I will never hold back. I will try to experience it all - be true to my emotions and desires and express them. But I am scared to feel, scared to lose... scared to fall.

Am I just waiting for the perfect man to come my way? What is the perfect man? Will there ever be a perfect man? I don't want to look around, but I do want to find you. I guess I want you to find me.

---------------------------------------------

- note - 2004

I want to know what you have become after our relationship ended. Have you changed as much as I did? Have you loved as less? What have you learned from the passed eight years? Do you still think of me? I remember the mixed tape I sent you six years ago. It was from my heart. Until now I still don’t know how you were able to love my old self - my young, innocent self. Would you have loved the way I am now? You were my world then. You consumed every part of me. I let you have the whole of me. You were the love of my life.

Getting over you was the hardest experience I had to go through. I thought of you each day and dreamt about you each night. I cried for what it felt like forever. Everyday without you felt like a sharp knife in that kept stabbing my heart deeper and deeper each day. The memory still haunts me until now.

--------------------------------------

The love you gave was not for free,
but the price was truly fair.
I never felt so glad to be
so well spent and so beyond repair.
I take it in stride.
at least you were mine,
if not for all time,
enough to hold.
or at least, enough for me to hold you.

------------------------------------

- note early 2004
It’s funny how when you think you have everything you start looking for things missing. There's this constant pain inside me telling me to be honest with myself and face reality. A part of me wants to change; another part wants to stay. A part of me wants to give it all; another wants to take it all away. I want to feel the love I once had - the all consuming, burning, painful love.

--And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. I want what's yours and I want what's mine. I want you, but I'm NOT giving in this time!

hay naku!

hmm.. I'm going to try to write this blog in Tagalog.

So, have you ever .. Hmm.. Let's do this again.
(thinking of the tagalog translation of "have you ever")
(still thinking.......)

I give up! It takes too long to write in Tagalog.

Updates:
  • There's a cute Asian guy in my building. Not sure if he lives here or is visiting someone.
  • I spoke to a "relative" this weekend and she drove me nuts! I don't ever want to speak to her again. She has some positive qualities but her negative qualities just shine through her. She wants so badly to become "puti" and puts down everything filipino.
  • I've been having dreams about the Philippines - my old friends, family, ex, school, everything!
  • I sang at a karaoke bar with my friend chuch for almost 4 hours!!

How Online Learning Changed My Life

by Kathryn Shield

The Seattle Times recently ran an article about a woman who went back to college two decades after her original class had graduated. The accompanying picture showed a 40-something woman wearing a T-shirt with the wry slogan, “Older Than U.”
Well, she sure didn’t look older than me, but I knew where she was coming from. I, too, am a middle-aged student who took a long break between college stints. But if I wore an “Older Than U” T-shirt to class, none of the other students would even see it, because I’m getting my master's degree online.
Some people might think that online distance education is an easy way to get a quickie degree without all the hard work. Some people would be wrong. Take it from me: An online degree program is just as challenging as getting a degree from a brick-and-mortar university.

Is online learning for everyone? No. But here are some pros, cons, and reasons why it has been a good match for me.
First, a quick bio: I’m a single mom with a demanding full-time job. I got my B.A. degree from Yale University about 25 years ago (when dinosaurs still walked the Earth). Yale’s a mighty good school, so I felt sure I had all the education I needed in life--and I probably did, until recently.
A little over a year ago I started feeling like I needed a new challenge. I wanted to move on to more interesting projects at work, and in my department here at Microsoft, that means helping create new products for students and teachers. How could I show my managers that I was ready to take an important role in this initiative? Well, how about if I went out and got a master's degree in education? Bingo!

Thinking About an Online Degree?

eLearning: Online degrees

How distance learning works

Who would hire an online grad?

First I tracked down catalogs from local colleges and universities. There were some good programs to choose from, but they all required attending class on campus--not easy to do while holding down a full-time day job. Some offered evening classes, but there were still many disadvantages to this option, such as having to pay a baby-sitter, drive to the school, park, etc. It would also mean spending a lot less time with my young daughter. Sorry, not happening.
So I started looking into online universities. Now, I admit it, I started this venture as something of an Ivy League-degree-holding snob when it came to education. Getting a degree online seemed a bit like buying a strength training course from the back of a comic book. How legit could it be? (See the article, "Are Online Degrees Real?")

It was the convenience factor that finally won me over. Just think: I could go online and attend class while my little girl slept in the other room. I could wear pajamas and bunny slippers "in class." I could study anytime, anywhere (coffee shop with Wi-Fi + laptop = classroom). With some accelerated programs, such as the M.Ed. program offered by AIU Online, I could even get my degree in less than a year. What's not to like?

There is one obvious difference between online learning and the traditional classroom. I’ve never actually seen my professors or fellow students. I’ve “met” them in classroom chats, phone conversations, IM, and e-mail. We’ve even collaborated on group projects. But getting together for a cup of coffee just doesn’t happen when the class is scattered around the world. I’ve listened to presentations from professors in New York, Texas, Tennessee, and Illinois. My classmates attended online lectures from such diverse locations as Florida, Montana, Hawaii, Guatemala, and Guam. A few students joined the class while traveling, logging in from hotels and airports. Somehow, we’ve been able to bridge cultures and time zones to build a community of learners.
Which is not to say that all is rosy in the online world. Sometimes it’s just plain awkward and uncomfortable. One professor told us repeatedly that she wished she could see our reactions so she’d know if we were following what she said. In another class, the chat forum became an interactive showdown when one stressed-out student accused another student of plagiarism. The class jumped in to defend the accused, and heated words were exchanged. Finally, the professor stepped in and virtually separated the students from the online brawl. Sure, some variation of this could happen in an actual classroom. But angry words in a chat room stay online for people to read again and again. We learned the hard way that discretion is the better part of getting along with people you have to work with again in the next class.

Online education is not for everyone, but for me, it was the right choice at the right time. Maybe it’s an age thing. Back when I was “younger than U” I was eager to meet people and make new friends. I’m glad I spent my undergraduate years on a traditional campus, complete with roommates, cafeteria food, and football games. (I mean, what kind of team would an online university have? The Fighting Modems? The Virtual Vikings?) At this point in my life, however, I’m not looking for opportunities to socialize. Family, friends, and co-workers provide all the “face time” I need.
I have now completed the master's program, and I admit that my snobbery about online degrees was totally misplaced. This online program was the real deal, and it took hard work and true dedication to get through it. My classmates and I devoted 12 to 20 hours a week to our schoolwork. Everyone made sacrifices. For me, going back to school meant saying goodbye to spare time, folded laundry, and a weeded garden, and hello to chronic sleep deprivation.

Has it been worth it? Oh, yes! Originally, I thought going back to school was just an investment in my career. Of course, career advancement is a big part of it, but I’ve gained much more than that. My mind has been opened to a world of information and ideas. I’ve rediscovered the joy of learning.
I’ve also found out what I’m made of. Getting any kind of college degree, especially when you’ve already got a job and a family, takes time, effort, and the stubbornness to keep going when part of you just wants to quit. It’s tiring. It’s mentally consuming. And it’s the best darn decision I’ve made in years.
There's just one question left for me to deal with:Now that I’ve finished school, what am I going to do with all that spare time?

For information about online learning programs, see: eLearning: Online Degrees.A helpful FAQ on the topic is found in the article, "How Distance Learning Works."To learn how employers view online degrees, check out "Who Would Hire an Online Grad?"

-Kathryn Shield is an education editor in Microsoft's Education Product Group.

blup blup (can't think of a better title)

Latest updates:
  • I'm back to cooking again. :) I used to cook all the time (even though I can't cook). I bought eggs and sausage patties, tilapia, steaks, rice, teriyaki sauce and my favorite drinks: v8 tropical juice and vanilla soy milk. :) Oh, I also bought fruit cups. Yum yum!
  • I cleaned my apartment this weekend!!! I actually feel like I live at a new place.
  • I have all channels of HBO again!!!!! Yeah, I can't miss the last season of Sopranos.

Everything Happens for a Reason

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be (possibly your roommate, neighbor, teacher, fraternal brother or sister, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger), but when you lock eyes with them, you know that at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without the small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things. Make every day count.

Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you.
You can make your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets. Most importantly, if you love someone tell them, for you never know what tomorrow may have in store. And finally, enjoy looking forward to learning a new lesson each day and enjoying the journey.

home

My dad and stepmom are away for the weekend so I am the weekend babysitter. I took the kids to Andrew's basketball game then took them to park to enjoy the glorious weather.

I enjoy the company of my siblings. There are no games with them. What you see is what you get. They let you know when they are hungry, hurt, uncomfortable and give you the biggest smiles when they are having fun. They ask anything they want to ask and pretty much tell you whatever they want to share. Of course they still do care about what other people think but care about their interests first.

Love and infatuation; Love and dependency

Article 2


According to Tennov (1978), infatuation is unfulfilled desire, i.e. your infatuation fades away if the person unconditionally and fully returns your love. It is the hard-to-get person that really turns you on. If they spurn you completely, however, you are crushed. It's a delicate situation. In addition, there are other problems with being "head-over-heels" in love. First, the infatuated person exaggerates the loved one's good traits and ignores the bad ones. It seems as though this is the only person who could satisfy his/her needs. One is infatuated with a fantasy, not the real person. Second, infatuation involves many of the same sensations and experiences as love--preoccupation with the loved one, strong attraction, an aching heart, butterflies in the stomach, restless sleep, etc. Not surprisingly, infatuation is likely to be interpreted as "true love" by inexperienced persons even though they do not know much about the lover and their needs are not being met. It is important to mentally realize (contrary to what you feel ) that being infatuated with someone tells you very little about your compatibility with that person. How can one tell if it is true love or infatuation? There is no sure method. Tennov suggests it takes time and honest sharing of feelings in a variety of situations to know love. Eventually, you discover that besides yearning to touch them, you genuinely like, enjoy, and respect each other as friends (if it is love and not just infatuation).

Peele and Brodsky (1976) liken love to an addiction. If you feel someone is necessary to make your life bearable, you are addicted to that person. As they say, "The ever-present danger of withdrawal creates an ever-present craving." Certainly the thought of losing our loved one would traumatize many of us. What is the difference between healthy love and addictive love? Consider your answers to these questions: Is each person his/her own person, i.e. equal and independent? Are both improved by the relationship? Is one dedicated to serving, improving, or "saving" the other? Do both have outside interests, including other friendships? Do they foster or resent the other's growth? Are the lovers also good friends? Refer to the discussion of codependency in chapter 8. And, see Bireda (1992) and Forward & Buck (1990) for advice about obsessive love.
Before I leave for home, I would like to post some exerpts from articles I just read about romantic love and rational love. (Yeah, I had time to browse the net after getting slammed by a ton of work!!)

Article 1

There are two kinds of love called by various names: healthy versus unhealthy, mature versus immature or romantic versus rational.

Romantic love is based upon pleasure and passion. It is rooted in the self and not the other because it is the emotional high it gives that is paramount and not the needs and feelings of the other.

In rational love, passion and pleasure are important but not paramount. It is equally rooted in the needs of the self and the other. In its ideal form, rational love arrives at a point after many years of commitment and struggle at which the needs of the other become as important as the needs of the self.

Romantic love is time limited. The passion usually burns itself out in a few short months or years. When that happens, the believer in romantic love may then try to rediscover it with someone else. Life then becomes a futile search for a continuous emotional high. Based upon commitment and cognizant of the needs of the other, rational love lasts longer than romantic love, perhaps even a lifetime! Although never reaching the high of romantic love, rational love can result in an increasingly satisfactory sex life between a husband and a wife. Sex can become better with each year of marriage as trust, familiarity and fondness are deepened.

Romantic love is based upon an idealized, unrealistic vision of the other. Clouded by passion, it either glosses over the faults of the other or assumes they will be changed with time. Rational love is more honest and realistic. It beholds the other objectively and critically yet still exclaims "I love you."

Romantic love can be a function of unresolved childhood problems. It may seek the fusion of the original mother-child relationship that leaves the child feeling completely safe, secure and protected but helpless. ­Rational love is based more upon maturity and independence. Although able to depend upon the other when appropriate, people who are rationally in love can also stand on their own emotionally. Because it depends upon the maintenance of an emotional high, romantic love fears change, growth and aging as threats to its existence. Rational love welcomes change as an opportunity to achieve greater intimacy and to grow together in life, not apart.

Since television, movies and Madison Avenue bombard our young people with messages about the glories of romantic love for the attainment of happiness, perhaps we adults should be telling them they are being duped.

New Goals for the future - version 1

2007 - Watch the Grammy Awards LIVE!!
2007 - Watch the NBA All Stars LIVE!!
2008 - Go to Beijing to watch the Olympic Games LIVE!!
Reasons why February is the BEST month of the year?
It is:
1. My brother and MY birthday month
2. Black History Month
3. Grammy Awards month
4. Winter Olympic Games month
5. The best month to relax and get ready for Spring
6. Valentine's month

PHENOMENAL WOMAN

by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

can't sleep

can't sleep. maybe its because i've been sleepy/ taking naps all day today and yesterday. there is something up with me... i seek solace through this journal.

it's interesting how we sortof use different languages to communicate with different people. we speak differently with our parents, siblings, friends, etc.. when our ways of communication differ with every person that we interact with, do we then represent our 'whole' selves differently too? parents see one side, friends see another and a handful of people, whom you fully trust, see the whole you.

i haven't listened to indigo girls in a while...

i had a great conversation with a co-worker last friday. we seem to share similar views on relationships, independence and marriage. while its easy for some people to dive into relationships and transform into something else (in varying degrees), its hard for her.. and its definitely hard for me. i am having a hard time letting go of my being an individual. its hard to trust someone to have some control over me or have negative influence on me. (i have spent my whole life creating myself!) the ideal, of course, is to find someone who would only influence you positively and challenge you to become better and be the best that you can be. but then again we can do that on our own.

i have to try to get some sleep. i have work tomorrow.

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