the red and blue of me

..While I was going through my old documents, I came across these poems, notes I had written in the past (I'm such a looney!). some were written back in 2003, 2004, 2005. I'm not a pro writer, but I needed to express my feelings somehow.

Dont - written in 2004

Don’t come too close.
Don’t hold me near.
Don’t say those words I long to hear.
Don’t move.
Don’t breathe.
Please be still.

I’ve been there before and have seen it all
I know what you want; I don’t want to fall
Please keep your distance
Please keep your smile
So I can keep my sanity at least for a while

Don’t come too close.
Don’t hold me near.
Don’t say those words I long to hear.
Don’t move.
Don’t breathe.
Please stay still.

The pain still lingers deep down in my soul
My heart was shattered; I lost control
Try to keep us apart
Try to keep me whole
I don’t think I’d survive if it happens once more

Don’t come too close.
Don’t hold me near.
Don’t say those words I need to hear.
Don’t move.
Don’t breathe.
But please stay here

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Written in 2004-

I think about you almost everyday now.
I know its nothing real; its just something new
But it surely feels good thinking that I have you

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- email I never sent - 2005

I am falling for you. I’m sick of pretending that I feel otherwise. I guess the fact that I allowed myself to make love with you was a sign. So, with that said, I am going to start to keep my distance from you. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want you to hurt me. Good bye.

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note - 2004

Chocolate Milkshake
Long, lazy Sunday afternoon
Rocky Road ice cream with marshmallows
Scrambled eggs and sausage
Luis Vuitton Handbag
Tiramisu
Short, satin black dress
Diamond earrings

You are everything that I cannot afford
And everything that I want to have
You’re a tease
You’re my short and sweet temptation

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- note 2005

For the longest time now, I've been trying to keep myself from falling for you. The more I do it, the less I feel, the more I lose. I had told myself that I will never hold back. I will try to experience it all - be true to my emotions and desires and express them. But I am scared to feel, scared to lose... scared to fall.

Am I just waiting for the perfect man to come my way? What is the perfect man? Will there ever be a perfect man? I don't want to look around, but I do want to find you. I guess I want you to find me.

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- note - 2004

I want to know what you have become after our relationship ended. Have you changed as much as I did? Have you loved as less? What have you learned from the passed eight years? Do you still think of me? I remember the mixed tape I sent you six years ago. It was from my heart. Until now I still don’t know how you were able to love my old self - my young, innocent self. Would you have loved the way I am now? You were my world then. You consumed every part of me. I let you have the whole of me. You were the love of my life.

Getting over you was the hardest experience I had to go through. I thought of you each day and dreamt about you each night. I cried for what it felt like forever. Everyday without you felt like a sharp knife in that kept stabbing my heart deeper and deeper each day. The memory still haunts me until now.

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The love you gave was not for free,
but the price was truly fair.
I never felt so glad to be
so well spent and so beyond repair.
I take it in stride.
at least you were mine,
if not for all time,
enough to hold.
or at least, enough for me to hold you.

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- note early 2004
It’s funny how when you think you have everything you start looking for things missing. There's this constant pain inside me telling me to be honest with myself and face reality. A part of me wants to change; another part wants to stay. A part of me wants to give it all; another wants to take it all away. I want to feel the love I once had - the all consuming, burning, painful love.

--And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. I want what's yours and I want what's mine. I want you, but I'm NOT giving in this time!